The thin veneer of choice:ME Andromeda.

So I recently started playing mass effect andromeda. I know it’s older now, but I tried playing it when it first came out and was so shaken by it’s departure from the original series that I lost interest.

Now, with fresh eyes, a bunch of mods, and lots of free time on my hands due to the 2020 apocalypse, I’ve decided to dive back in. And you know what? If you don’t compare it to the original masterpiece that was the first trilogy, it is okay. Sure, the facial expressions can be off, and I had to remake my character twice because her expression in game was different than the character creation screen, making it look like she was making a constant duck face, but the game is mostly fine. Although, even after you get it right, my character is always sticking their neck out like they are slightly deaf. Also the UI is a cluttered mess that feels like searching a bucket of legos for that one gun you want.

Careful what you wish for.

A while back I was discussing types of squirrels with a friend. I know, you’re jealous of my exciting life. During the conversation the topic of lifespans came up. We figured such an energetic creature couldn’t live very long. I brought up a table on my phone and found that of all the squirrel species, the flying ones have some of the shortest lifespans. Our theory is that they meet a grisly fate due to unfortunate flying accidents.

But what my friend said upon seeing the animal’s picture was that it was cute and he wished it lived near here. I vehemently disagree. Not that they are cute, but that they should live here.

This is a flying squirrel.

Sure, it’s cute and cuddly while its sitting there eating a grape. But imagine walking through a park at night, when you happen to pass between the tree this creature is on and the tree it wants to get to. Then, suddenly. Bang! A fluffy Nerf ball comes out from nowhere and slams into your face, then starts clawing at you with its old lady fingernails while trying to get its footing and escape.

Now think hard and honestly tell me if you would need a new pair of pants. Because I sure would.

The video game rating system is silly.

Much like how firearms are frequently classified upon aesthetic military characteristics rather than actual function, video games are often categorized upon their level of explicitness rather than the themes they explore. Allow me to elaborate.

The rating system in North America generally categorizes games based on things like nudity, violence, various suggestive themes and so on. However, I find error in their criteria for classification.

Creative Insults

As we witness the continued progression of PC culture it becomes apparent that more and more insults are no longer adequate fare for a simple argument. Many are either losing their sting or becoming too harsh for everyday use.

Of course, as is my duty on this earth, I come to you with a solution. Generally speaking, any combination of words can be used as an effective insult if said with the correct tone and conviction.

VIDEO GAMES CAUSE VIOLENCE: MY TAKE ON IT

 

It is alarming to me that video games are once again being used as a scapegoat for the world’s ills. I must say, as a gamer and a firearm owner, I frequently feel as attacked as a skinny child molester in prison.

I. Hate. Pollen.

 

It is on days like this that I feel a special contempt for those vexing simpletons who so adore nature. As it does every year, the plants have begun their war on the mammals, releasing their putrid, nose plugging miasma over the plains of man’s dominion.

Garbage bags are false advertising

Every time I take out my trash I am struck by the same thought. Garbage bag manufacturers are guilty of false, or at the very least, misleading advertising. See, the name garbage bag implies falsely to the reader that it is a vessel capable of containing garbage. What it actually means is the bag IS garbage.

I’ve started tripling up the bags just to get a thick enough wall to actually contain the trash. The damn things rip when I stretch them over their stand. They are garbage.

Now listen up, because if you don’t want a week’s worth of smelly refuse blowing down your street, this is for you. NEVER buy your bags at the supermarket. Go to a hardware store and buy contractor bags. Contractors throw out razor blades and hazardous chemicals, therefore their bags are designed not to rip. This is in sharp contrast to the supermarket bags that lose all structural integrity the second you insert anything more substantial than a hamsters’ fart.

Rant over.

Raccoon intimidation specialist.

 

So, there I was, sitting in my bed in the dead of night. I was looking up how to disable emergency alerts on my phone and going through a few different methods when, to my horror, a shadow passed across my window blinds.

Now, I have headphones on, so I can’t hear if footsteps. I have no way of knowing if an animal is walking across the railing of my balcony or if a grown thief is trying to get into the house. Turns out it was a bit of both.

Hypocrisy Department

Has anyone noticed that the major military conglomerate of most nations are named with some iteration of “The Defense Department?” This is interesting to me, considering the frequency with which humans involve themselves in wars. Two sides cannot engage in a purely defensive war. Let’s be realistic. A defense department builds Anti-Aircraft towers, large protective walls, and nuclear warheads.

An Offence department makes white phosphorous bombs, titanic aircraft carriers, and troop transports. You don’t have to airdrop troops that are already in your country.

Now Switzerland, what they’ve got going on is a defense department.

New Decree

Since parliament seems hell bent on banning everything in existence, I feel it is time for them to take an issue of mine into consideration. Whenever I or a member of my family returns home from a trip to the pharmacy I am briefly excited by the presence of a large paper bag. Instantly my mind rushes to thoughts of cookies and Chinese takeout only to realize that I am looking at a bottle of allergy pills and a stool softener.

From now on, medication should be placed in only the most joyless plastic packaging to make clear its dull intent. Thank you.